March

Dear March,

I am surprised to admit that I find a certain kinship with you. You arrive swiftly, quietly and with determination. Before I knew it, you had ushered February to the door and stepped smartly into its’ place. Not necessarily unwanted, but definitely not as wished for as the popular January or the explosive December.

And with your arrival, the doubts began to creep in. I have taken too many steps on my path to feel like I can turn back, but too few to be able to see the full picture. I wonder and wonder and wonder. And the wondering is sprinkled with negative thoughts. And they turn to whole existential crises.

I am not so unfair as to blame it all on you though. I recognize my doing in this business. Of slotting back into bad habits of self doubt and harsh self criticism. Here is my secret admission: at times low self belief is more comforting than confidence, because there is a scenario of standing on a ledge with confidence. Where as low self belief cocoons you in low expectation and a type of false modesty. Confidence means trying. And trying can lead to failure. And failure is terrifying.

But this year, while I spend time with you, I will not be seduced by adequacy. I will change my patterns and stand on that ledge.

True, I could always fall, but I might just fly.

Until next time,

Yours,

Naliaka O.